Peeling the Onion

It's been a while since the last post. It's been an eventful period, both for good and for bad. August 1st, the Monday after my last post, found me in hospital again with back pain - similar to what happened just over 6 years ago, though not quite as painful as during that episode.

The bottom line - there are now 5 herniated and/or deteriorating discs in the lumbar region of my spine, up from 2 during the last episode. Although still not currently a surgical candidate (injected medication to reduce swelling and physical therapy will be the likely treatment options - we'll see on Friday), the implication of the progression of the deterioration suggests that option will have to be used at some point in the future. Such is the nature of heredity and abusing oneself in high school and collegiate athletics, I guess.

That hospitalization, once the critical physical pain was handled, allowed for some time to think about things - not altogether bad, not altogether good. My Bride called Dad's hospice to follow up on an unanswered request for counseling support that I had made a couple of weeks ago. That led to an appointment last Monday and, let's just say that things went well enough that the useless person I have seen a few times before that will not be consulted again.

The Hospice Counselor (HC) and I connected almost immediately and within the first hour she had given me new perspective on one of the biggest issues that's been weighing on me. Which, on the one hand, lightened the load considerably - at least early last week. On the other hand, this has led to further, deeper, reflection, which has led me to understand that there are many layers to this whole situation that need to be addressed - the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. Many layers, interconnected - and I don't really know where to go from here.

So, even through the prescribed sleep aid that I take, last night I only got a few hours of sleep. Partly because of this, and partly because I'm flying to the West Coast in a few hours. I lay in bed trying to at least put a name on the issues that I feel like need addressed, and wondering what effects the pressure changes in-flight will have. "Time will tell", as the cliche goes.

But what's really the issue for me right now - even though there are lots of folks who know about some or all of this, and support and pray for and love me - is that this is really a very personal thing. And I'm not sure which anology fits best - it feels like alternatively the biggest obstacle I've ever faced; it's the biggest, darkest metaphorical cloud to have overshadowed everything (from my perspective); or it's a very deep, dark pit to find my way out of.

So, even though I do feel the love and thoughts and prayers going up (and it does help), I still feel very, very alone in all this. Two weeks of renewed, higher-level chronic back pain has not helped the situation, nor do the treatment prospects. Not to mention that Dad reaffirmed last week that he will likely discontinue dialysis in January based on his current mental and physical state.

But I've run out of time. It's time to go get ready for another week of "fakin' it until you make it". And hoping that the pilots have a light touch on landing. See you soon - I hope.