Christmas Eve, 2011

Well, much has occurred since the last post here – my lumbar spine has continued to require treatment and physical therapy in an attempt to minimize pain and stabilize the spine to forestall surgery (with varying levels of success); continued stress at work to grow the business (my territory did grow by over 50%, so I’m pretty happy with that) but while limiting traveling spend; however, the most notable event was Dad’s passing on 9/26.

Dad had very much wanted to make it to Christmas one more time, but was physically unable to. So, this season has been bittersweet – trying to revel in the joy that Advent and Christmas bring while being sad at the same time that Dad can’t be here as he had so much wanted.

Don’t get me wrong – I firmly believe that Dad is in a much better place now (more on that in a minute). With his and my aunt’s passing this year, our family is definitely shrinking. In my extended family, I have one first- and one second-cousin that I maintain some level of contact with. My brother is but a phone call away, but he’s in NYC and not exactly around the corner. This year, I am more thankful than ever that I have my lovely bride and our son to spend time with. And I look forward to spending time with friends and family from L’s side. But I’ve still been of a mixed mind about my own internal sense of well-being and missing both Dad and Mom.

Since I haven’t been traveling so much, and have found myself with a certain amount of free time now and again, I have been starting to work through the mound of belongings and family heirlooms that have been piling up since before Mom passed. As it happened, I came upon a treasure trove of correspondence between M and D from the period from when they were dating, through their engagement, and just into the Christmas season that first year they were married.

Now, I considered for a bit about reading such personal correspondence – would there be information in there that I really didn’t need to find out about them?? But I ultimately chose to read through the foot-high stack of correspondence looking for insights.

Am I glad I did. I have gained new insights into both of my parents’ frames of mind during this period of time in their lives, and this has put some framework around what I have observed during the last 4-5 years (and well past beyond that).

The story of their meeting is well documented, but will be summarized again here as it serves as the jumping off point for some of the insights culled from this trove of correspondence.

My father, in his duties working for the railroad, rode the rails weekly traveling to NYC, Buffalo, Elkhart, Chicago, and other cities. Mom and Dad met on the train to Chicago during one of his trips for work; Mom was on the train to break off an engagement and return the ring. By my Dad’s own accounts, it was love at first sight (for him). He became enthralled with this complicated, savvy, and somewhat mysterious woman in a way he never had before. But he had an uphill battle on his hands.

You see, this was not Mom’s first time down this road. She married a man shortly out of high school who mentally and emotionally abused her, and whom she divorced in relatively short order. While I’m not sure how long she was engaged to the man she was traveling to Chicago to break off with, at that point she was 24 and the relationship with her fiancée had apparently gone at least as badly as her failed marriage. So, at least at this point, she’s at least 0-for-2 in serious relationships, and has developed a healthy distrust of men.

And she meets this guy on the train who seems gentlemanly enough but, coming off a bad engagement, she takes it slow. Inasmuch as he wants to fast-track this relationship, he is limited in his ability to do so because he’s traveling so extensive. So he embarks on a concerted, nearly daily correspondence, which results in weekends together and their eventual marriage.

So, while he was at a point in his life where he was dedicated to his career in business as taught through discipline in the military, and thought he would only be married in a “union of convenience” – Dad finds true love and decides that Mom is then, and always will be, #1 in his life from then on. Through the various barriers Mom throws up, Dad persists and finally wins her hand in marriage.

How does this all relate back to my belief that Dad’s in a much better place?

First, after Mom passed, Dad seemed happy enough, but something was always missing. He made several attempts to make connections at some level with women of various ages to replace that relationship with Mom. Those attempts either never materialized to anything substantial, or they created other issues.

Second, as his health continued to fail, I believe he gave up on trying to make another connection here on earth. The one and only love of his life was Mom, and there would be no other. In hindsight, I now understand that he came to believe that to continue to fight (and fight he did for years!!) through his health battles here had become fruitless, and the time came to be back with Mom. So, with the closest of his family in the room with him, he let go. And they are back together.

How has reviewing all this correspondence helped to put my mind at rest?

Some context first – I never saw my parents show an extraordinary amount of affection for one another, nor did I ever see them argue but at the most surface level, as a youngster.

So confirming this very deep connection in the earliest stages of their relationship through this correspondence leads me to believe that, in the end, when all else falls away at the end of our physical existence, these deep connections will endure.

Peace, and Merry Christmas.