Back from my folk’s house

Well, got back from seeing my folks yesterday. It was an interesting visit. I have to say, based on everything they have been through in the last 6 months or so, they are soldiering on.

Mom’s condition has definitely gotten worse. She coughs now like she really will “bring up a lung”, which in this case is not so far from the truth. Most of the active malignancies are located in the lungs, and she is really hacking badly and having trouble with her breathing. While she is not yet on full-time oxygen support like Dad, she does use oxygen during various periods during the day when she gets fatigued.

Short summary of what she and I did during my 48 hour visit:

· Arrived before noon day 1. She had already completed a nap – shortened by my phone call letting her know that I was close. A bit of laundry was completed by the time I arrived, and we did the rest in the next few hours, along with sharing a bit of lunch. After another short (~ 1 hour) nap, we headed off to Wal-Mart and restocked their shelves and freezer for at least a few weeks. We also replaced a defective electronic picture frame on which a bunch of family photos are loaded which we gave her at Christmas. After a dinner of pizza, she had another nap until about 10, after which she showered and prepped for bed.

· Day 2 – gambling. For Mom, the highlight of any day will be the opportunity to go out and do “finger exercises”. I drove us 2 ¼ hours each way to a Native American casino she likes, including stops for lunch and dinner. We both spent too much money gambling, but enjoyed the day. In fact, she counted down the last 20 miles or so like an 8-year-old going to the circus or amusement park. It was really funny to watch. Her only real nap that day was coming home in the car for maybe an hour, but I’m sure that she has done some “catch-up” napping since I have left.

· Day 3 – finished a few more odds and ends, had breakfast, and I left to get home to take care of commitments here.

During most of this visit, Dad slept or at least convalesced. He had surgery to install a permanent port with which kidney dialysis can be administered if needed at some point in the future. Yes – on top of the Alzheimer’s - he has type II diabetes which has advanced to the point where dialysis may become necessary.

On day 3 of my visit, we noticed that he was getting puffy in his surgical hand, so Mom checked in with the doctor after I left. The dressing needed changing, so she did it. He’s doing better, but needs time to recuperate.

All-in-all, I’m not sure how to assess Dad’s situation. He is aware enough of what’s going on, and we all had some conversations about what the future may hold. He’s engaged in those conversations, but not entirely willing (IMHO) to accept things. He says he’s willing to move out here by us, but I’m not so sure deep down. I think, if given an alternative, he might have to rethink things.

Frankly, I worry that he is getting depressed knowing that he will likely outlive Mom. They have been in some kind of morbid race to kick-off first, I think, because neither wants to (or probably more rightly, cannot see HOW they will) continue without the other. On top of that issue, he watched his mom deal with the same thing (which I remember through the lens of a 5-year-old) and I think the horror of losing touch with the reality that most of us share is a scary, scary thing.

This all being said, the visit was a very good one – all things being considered. Being 400+ miles away sucks – period. It’s not just a quick drive across town to see them and to try to do what I can. I did my level best to make the best time possible, and could do it in just about 7 hours total, including two stops – one for fuel and a bathroom break, and another solely for a “nature call”. Doing this when possible, helping out with chores, reviewing the results of work done here to prep for Dad’s eventual move, etc., will have to suffice, I suppose. I just wish it could be more somehow.

So I sit here in my living room across from the one person in my life I want this to least affect – my wife of these many years – knowing that we all will be affected and there is nothing I can do about it. In reflecting on things during the last few weeks, however, I was struck with a realization that is probably a “No kidding!” moment, but so be it.

While I have been fretting over my parents and what I can do to support them, she has been there behind me, fretting over me and what she can do to support me. Families – whether by blood or by a committed relationship such as ours – hang together in ways that are truly remarkable. I have come to realize, in a whole new way, that having that kind of support is the most remarkable sort of blessing possible. Without her support, and unconditional love, I don’t think I could be as strong as I am right now for my parents’ sake.

I know that I can take the time and do what I need to do, and I will never have to worry whether she is resentful or hurt. She may not like the added drain on my time, but that’s OK. It makes the time we find to spend together all the more special.

Frankly, though, I have had some trouble feeling God’s presence during this period. Mom and I have talked and, while she and Dad are not “churched”, she has recently told me she has a relationship with God and prays regularly. She is at peace with how things have developed, having never dared to believe that she would live this long given our family history. And, I believe, she is accepting that it is her time to go to her rest.

I am not, in a very selfish way, ready for that eventuality. However, knowing that Mom has achieved some measure of acceptance of that and satisfaction with what life has provided, then I need to “get over myself”. Particularly if she has accepted God into her life and is ready to go. Acceptance will eventually come for me and my brother and my Dad, I know.

It’s just difficult to reconcile the suffering and pain that must precede the “big chill” in some cases like this. As I said before, it just sucks…