Timeline

In so many ways, I am a compilation of various traits from both of my parents. From Mom - a genetic disposition to want/need to travel (which was passed down from her father), a penchant for tobacco (which I suspect contributed to her death, and the cigars I used to enjoy but haven't for well over a year now), and those stupid, panda-bear eyes that we develop from being overtired.

From Dad - a love for the English language and word games (Dad continues to play Scrabble online to this day, and I try to do the Sudoku from the newspaper every day), attention to detail, and a need to be in control.

With regard to that last point - Dad looked a lot better today than last week; more rested-looking and playing the aforementioned Scrabble when I got to his apartment for the usual Saturday visit. In the course of conversation, he reaffirmed his thoughts that - come January - he will likely stop with dialysis. Based on the conversation with hospice earlier this month, that will mean the end will likely come within two weeks after that.

And this is the one decision that he has some measure of control over. He can plan this one final act, and I believe that this measure of control has helped him to feel better about things overall. Although he did say that he was still tired and is spending more time in bed trying to sleep, he has not changed his opinion of feeling like he's tired of fighting back and is prepared "to go".

He has also spent some considerable amount of time thinking about this lately, too. First, he asked me if I felt like he was being selfish in wanting to pursue this course of action.

Of. Course. Not.

I am just happy to have had the time we have had - because between the medications he takes for his various maladies, and dialysis, he has lived many more years than he might have otherwise and he is definitely in Extra Time. Or Overtime. Or Extra Innings. Perhaps Green-White-Checkers, even. Whatever sports analogy you want to use.

Then he mentioned that he talked to a Methodist priest/fellow resident where he lives about his decision, and whether it was a form of suicide. As he and I have discussed, and was affirmed by this priest, it is not suicide. If he put a gun to his head to end things, that is one thing. With this, he is simply being an informed participant in his health care.

So he has set a timeline. And made a very simple, but profound, decision. The last measure of control in his life.

And I am OK with it. Three years ago, all of us in the family started down this path together, and we all agreed at that point that the decisions we made were to make Dad comfortable and to give him the best possible "quality of life". At that point, I didn't know what that meant.

Now I do.

And, truth be told, I would probably make the same decisions if I was in his shoes. Because the alternative is much more difficult to fathom.